My first rant.

So, in the past couple years I feel as though I have really come around (personality wise) and not been such a "grumpy gus" to everyone I have to deal with in daily life. With that being said, there are some people I just CANNOT and WILL not make my peace with. Who might warrant these feelings from me you ask yourself? I'll tell you who- the Christian Freakin' Women's Club that meets at my workplace the first Tuesday of every God forsaken month.

I know, I know- how could the Christian Freakin' Womens Club (here on out referred to as the CFWC) do anything that would cause such angry, irritated feelings to just radiate from me on a constant basis? Not only is it the stench permeating through the walls of the 47 different Elizabeth Taylor perfumes that hits you like a wave when you walk in the door, oh I intend to walk you through every bit of their ridiculousness (OK well only some of it or else we'd be here for DAYS).

To start out, let me paint you the main characters in a picture- the main players in this group, and since I honestly have NO clue what they're names are (except ONE) I'll try to be as descriptive as possible.

The first lady is named Sandy or something (for the sake of continuing this train wreck of a club) and she looks a lot like Marge Simpson's sister Thelma. She speaks in a very low, monotone voice everytime she speaks to ANYONE. Gotta tell you, every time she gets in front of the group (keep in mind there's anywhere from 75-110 ladies that show up for this every month) her presentations aren't very enthralling. However, since this is the one time a month most of these chicks get out of the house besides to hit Rite Aid for their big sale on miscellaneous crap, I guess it's not as bad to them as it is to me. They're not the ones dying inside every time this woman has an announcement so I guess thats not terrible. ANYWAYS- for the first few months I worked this banquet I could feel this woman's eyes burning a hole in the back of my head while I did my job and she constantly didn't approve of my wildly-colored hair and ability to get my tasks done without help, but I WILL say the last few months her mannerisms and attitude toward me has changed drastically. Nonetheless, it still freaks me out a lot she can speak in whole sentences without moving a muscle on her face and not changing the tone of her voice. Freaky.


Next we have "the little neurotic one". No joke, nobody knows her name, so that's what we call her. This woman is no taller than myself, shakes quite a bit, and has a really nasty of habit of repeating things 75 times like she was a God damn Parrot. Also another one of her nasty habits is that she comes blowing through our kitchen door conveniently ignoring the "Employees Only" sign to let me know we are out of coffee. If she's going to come through that door every 5 seconds because she doesn't trust me to see when we are low on something, then bitch throw on an apron and join in! Make yourself some damn coffee if you don't think I can do it quick enough! Oh and by the way, standing in the door staring at me does NOT make the coffee brew quicker. Believe it or not- I do not have some sort of freaky scientific "coffee go faster" mind link with the coffee machine! GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN! And while we're at it- I don't think anyone made you "buffet line monitor" so you can quit pacing up and down the food table to let me know we're possibly going to run out of a food item. I have eyes, and believe it or not, you see me EVERY month and I am always replacing things you're out of. And if you ARE buffet line monitor- I want to see some credentials. At the very least a sash and an orange vest if you've got it. If you're THAT important you need to FLAUNT IT.

Margarita. Oh Margarita. I do know your name. You know why? Cause you are LITERALLY the only woman in the club with a distinct ethnicity different than the rest. No joke people, she's Mexican, and she's the only one. The rest are just white as the day is long. I'm not racist I swear, I just think it's really funny that there's only one distinctly ethnic person in a group of 100. It's like a retarded game of Where's Waldo. ANYWAYS, this woman is unREAL. She gets on rants about things or lack of things our banquet facility has to offer. For example: up until last month, Margarita made it her personal mission to find myself or my co-banquet worker to let us know how outraged she was that we do not offer more coat-hangers for our mobile coat rack. I know, she could have bitched about the heat, the quality of food, the amount of room we have when there's so many people in the room or broken equipment- but NO... no people- she is VERY distraught about not have an ample amount of coat hangers. Question: why is she so concerned about coat hangers? How many coats is this woman bringing to this event? Is she the coat-hanger awareness chairman and people go to her about their coat-hanger complaints and then she brings their concerns to me? Am I shooting the messenger here? Because you would think if it was that large of a problem, I would hear about it from more than just her. I don't know, just brainstorming at this point. Also- how come people just can't go elementary school style and put their coats on the back of their chairs?
The other big thing this lady does is she brings Ziploc bags to these monthly events and sneaks around to all the tables and grabs all the cookies she can while the women are socializing with each other. Does anyone else see the issue with this woman choosing furthering her relationship with Diabetes rather than actually pursuing a human friendship with one of the wonderful ladies in the CFWC? I don't get it. I just don't get it.


Now, all these ladies have unbelievable requests for what they would like to eat (even though we already have their lunch laid out for them) or drink, but you just learn how to laugh it off or else you would literally lose your mind. I actually had a lady ask me if I could heat up the fresh pot of coffee I put out because it was "Lukey-warm". I literally felt as though the woman brain-ninja'd me because I never in my entire lifespan have heard such a term to describe... NO I'm leaving it at I've never heard the term. I did have to stare at her for a minute with a dumbfounded look on my face, but in all fairness she completely deserved it. I also love when Margarita asks me for chicken every single month because she doesn't eat red meat, but the one month we serve a chicken dish, she complains because she doesn't get a choice. Did I miss something? Did we just HAPPEN to pick the one month of the year where you decided you just MAY want to eat red meat? Hey I have an idea, I'll just bring you a fresh plate of cow topped with chocolate chip cookies you can stuff in your purse with coat-hangers for dessert.

Today was highly amusing without a doubt though, one of the best ones I've worked. For one of their presentations they had a woman from one of the local floral shops come in and demonstrate how they can "brighten up their homes" since science proves fresh flowers in the home make people healthier (or some such, I was half-listening to her talk while I was busing tables). From out in the hallway I could hear the "Ooh's and Aah's" resonating through the walls because it was apparent they thought Martha F-bombing Stewart was letting them know how to properly cut flower stems. As Misty (my co-worker) and I stood in the hallway scraping plates we peeked in the room to see what was so exciting. For a moment I thought I was going to be witnessing the second coming of Christ with all the squeals and commotion from these ladies that were just ridiculously giddy- but I was quickly let down to find it was just a woman covering a cake plate with a doilie. Then it dawned on me the excitement was just because they couldn't think of that themselves. And for a second, I felt bad for them. Then someone pointed out to me I needed to take their plate and my sympathy quickly ended. With that being said, if I have an armload of 6-7 plates with miscellaneous trash and food products on it, please don't ask me to get you a glass of water. When I tell you "Sure I'll be right back I'm just going to put this down", that does not mean "yeah I'll get your water, but you know what you should do? Follow me all the way to the water pitcher and then hold your glass out for me to pull the little nozzle and fill it for you. Yeah, let's take the teamwork approach."
The other part of this meeting today that just CRACKED me up, was the fact that at the end the woman announced there were little comment cards on the tables, and there was a little check-box located on this comment card to state whether or not "You have accepted Jesus or are interested in accepting Jesus into your heart as your lord and savior." OK people, I'm not religious or anything, but last time I checked- anytime you do anything concerning the J-man, it's really not something that requires a form. But then Misty quickly informed me that Christians fill out applications now in order to become Christians. I'm sure they pass out membership cards and crap too.

And for my final thought(s) on the subject:
If I ever leave my house in a velour jumpsuit and thats my idea of "dressing up fancy"... just shoot me. Shoot me in the head because I am done and obviously to the point where I'm delirious and have no idea what I'm doing anymore.